I should be a MOTHER, I should perform well inspite of all these feelings and emotions I am dealing with.
A lot has happened since then and I could say that it was the worst days of my life. ironically, No matter what goes on in my life, nothing so important occurs.
Looking back during those moments, my days and weeks seemed to all be merged into one long grey, never ending void. People told me with confidence that I can get through with what ever I am going through because i am tough… slight understatement there to be honest. I knew I was not my usual self those days anymore… I can feel my strength leaving my mind and body… then weakness took over, that it felt so strong it affected my thoughts and my whole being.
Feeling depressed is not nice at all. To feel numb I had particular substance help me because the pain dealing with the chaos they created by their carelessness and selfishness. why am I being bothered now by this person?this person is my husband, the father of my kids, he just told me to get a life and move on because he has this woman that he wants to be with for the rest of his life…
stinging every inch of me…
My brain did not want to work. I fought so hard to hold my sense of judgement and reasons together. during those days, it was very hard for me to interact properly with anyone. i was simply going through my day on a day to day basis feeling nothing or should I say don’t know how to feel anymore… as a result, there were days that I couldn’t breathe. The feeling of fatigued didn’t leave me.
The kids are around I should be a MOTHER, I should perform well inspite of all these feelings and emotions I am dealing with.
I have to be happy, and project that everything was ok and our life is normal… it was very exhausting. I wanted to feel better, normal, I wanted to just delete these thoughts so I could go back to the real me.
I missed who I used to be because right now, I don’t know anything about myself anymore, I don’t know what I wanted, I don’t know how to react to things, I know nothing anymore… I wanted to end this feeling and state in an instant.
Feeling very miserable, there’s this person telling me that there is no reason for me to feel this way and that I just overanalyze things, and such a drama queen, These words made things worse. I knew why I was feeling down, but still I failed to fully accept that I should have done something long before things got worst…
Somehow it could have been a lot better if I gave up and ended our relationship when we only had 1kid… he always acts and tells me that everything is normal and that feeling sad and lonely is just an exaggerated feelings I have… he always feeds me these words and as a result I can feel it’s draining the hell out of me. Lucky me, I had a very stable emotional support then, the church, would tell me that this is not the essence of marriage anymore and that the scripture that read –> Matthew 19:6 (NKJV) So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
This biblical verse is not applicable anymore to what I am going through. Because the church teAchings also states that because everyone is made in the image of God, then everyone should be treated with proper respect and honor because they reflect God.
My friend who is a doctor tells me that staying in an unhealthy relationship will not be good emotionally and psychologically thus; staying this long is a bad decisions because I ended up emotionally unstable And at the moment couldn’t think properly.
I experienced extreme behavior and extreme emotions, there were times that I am laughing so hard even for little things Other times the tears would stream down my face and my thoughts would turn to the decisions and choices I had recently made and at times my heart would truly feel as though it were breaking.
To some this could be Melodramatic. Again, when my husbAbbuser will see me again in this state and he would make remarks that would say that There should be no reasons for me to be dramatic or depressed. During those times, his words sound so cruel. and I felt tired hearing these words because he was causing me all these feelings, sometimes I would already question my emotion, my feelings, if are they real, or am I making up as what this person would always tell me bluntly
One of the things that has been shown to help people cope with problems/depression is social buffering. This is the ability to talk about the situation/issues with friends and family, to unload.
The irony is that when I was feeling low NO ONE cared to listen… or sometimes I just keep my mouth shut because of:
•shame and their words could hurt me.
And worst there were people who just shrug off on what I had to say, I would understand because:
•no one wants to listen to someone who is unhappy.
I understand that It pulls everyone else down too. Million thanks to social media, because
•when I felt inferior and I simply had to log into face book or twitter to see positive comments “making it count’ ‘living for the moment’. I just have to tell myself it was ok to feel CRAP. On other occasions it would make me feel angry — with myself, with life, with the falseness of the life I am in. I resorted to a lot of things just to feel better… and lessen anything negative and magnify something positive..
oh well… life… lost and swallowed me through leaving me with my body no identity… nothing but just a being without purpose, and don’t know where to end or how to end these nightmare, or is this really my life I am living now? don’t know either…
iF there’s a goal and possibly the essence of me writing this I hope everyone will realize that when someone is DEPRESSED they just need PATIENCE, be there and show or remind that HOPE should never be left out, and of course conversations with Kind chosen words or with a deep sense of empathy or Just a pragmatic friend. 😊
I wish I had one… but we can’t have it all…
I just hope that this will just soon pass and reach its finale…